The Dashboard Diet

The Dashboard Diet

A tragic thing happened after leaving the factory; the Cheesecake Factory, that is. Call it “dumb luck” or “Murphy’s Law,” but the amazing, fluffy, velvety, succulent, delectable, slice of paradise that was smothered with fresh whipped cream as white as the driven snow, and adorned with a miniature slice of lime from the Florida Keys–only mere nano-inches from my mouth–ended up like this:


Yes, my carb-and-sugar-starved friends: see it and weep.

My son bought me a slice of cheesecake as a gift (what a sweetheart). We decided to eat in the van (instead of in the restaurant so we could save money on the tip) (Hey! Watch it. That’s not being cheap. It’s called being thrifty), and just as I was about to enjoy my first bite, the container somehow slipped out of my hand, turning the key lime into key slime. It sailed through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring dessert on the clumsy trapeze. It landed on the dashboard, and what didn’t stick to the dusty Armor All surface, slid to the floor with an unceremonious plop. Fate is not without a sense of irony. However, I stared fate straight in the eye and decided to eat the sweet-treat anyway.

You might be thinking, “That dashboard looks kind of dirty.” I will inform you that the floor was worse. Much worse. But upon close inspection of the blob of key lime mush, I only saw one hair, two small pebbles (very small), and some item I did not wish to identify; so I ate it with my eyes closed. The part that was still edible tasted ever so… interesting.

But you know, it got me thinking; thinking about dieting and all it entails. And I found a solution, having tested it myself with 55 lbs of weight-loss success over the past two years. Using straightforward strategies and tenacious techniques that I will share with you, you too might find you can eat your cake and not have it go straight to your waistline too. I shall call these tips The Dashboard Diet.

The idea is to eat less than you normally would. I could not enjoy the entire piece of cheesecake due to its adhesion to the dashboard. Likewise, I should proportionately restrict my intake of other foods not stuck to dashboards. You can learn from my experience without the mess. Less cake, less calories, less adipose tissue. Fewer bites, fewer binges, fewer handles with which to grab you by your back.

Tip #1: Reduce the amount of servings you eat. Instead of having seven slices of pizza, have two. Rather than eating five tacos, eat two. Refuse three scoops of ice cream, and enjoy two. Instead of two helpings at dinner, have only one (and do not make the helping as large as two). When you go out to eat, have your server bring a to-go box with your meal so you can put half of it in the box right away before you are tempted to clean your plate; then enjoy the other half the following day.

Tip #2: I know this is a family-safe website, but I’m about to use a dirty word: e-x-e-r-c-i-s-e. Forgive me, but it had to be said. You might not enjoy exercising, but there are ways to disguise exercise so it seems like fun. Gather your younger children around you. Get on the internet and go to YouTube. Look up the crazy, silly, compelling, captivating, ingenious, driving rhythmical hit song “What does the Fox Say,” and dance away baby! Yeah! Your kids will think you’re cool. Your teens will think you’ve gone off your rocker, and your husband will be totally embarrassed. But, if you imitate the dancing (and sing along too. It’s part of the magic), and you do this once a day for six weeks, you’ll look stunning: Fat to Fox in Ten Easy Steps.

Now I must confess I did not lose 55 pounds dancing to “What Does the Fox Say.” For me it was Numa Numa and Hip Hop Abs. Now I use What Does the Fox Say for flab-fighting maintenance. And I have fun, and the grand-kids love me, and my husband just shakes his head and is nevertheless glad he hasn’t been recruited to join me.

Tip #3: Do not use Armor All on your dash if you plan to eat off it. And it might help to vacuum the floor of your vehicle occasionally.

That’s it. Just three tips. That’s how simple The Dashboard Diet is. Eat less, be more active, and let me know about your success!

Disclaimer: Do not attempt any new diet or exercise plan without first consulting with your doctor,

and visiting your local car-wash.